Parents Can Help Children Cope with Divorce
By Christina Kosta Procopiou
Divorce is never easy for anyone, but children involved in a divorce can feel frightened by threats to their routine and sense of security or even responsible for the breakup of their parents’ marriage.
Muriel Savikas, Ph.D., Manhattan Beach-based child psychologist and divorce mediator, says, “Long-term studies of children of divorce indicate they rarely get over it, but parents can minimize the effects. Children can learn positive ways to adapt but should still be allowed to experience childhood without becoming too adult too soon.”
Research shows that how well a child fares in a divorce directly relates to the amount of conflict between parents, according to Paula Van Doren, L.C.S.W. She partners with attorneys and other professionals to help parents achieve a less adversarial divorce through "collaborative divorce,” in which parents agree to remain out of court and stay focused on their children.
“It is not the divorce itself that causes problems for children, but how parents relate to each other during and after the separation that has the most impact,” says Van Doren. She also helps run Better Parenting, Better Divorce, which offers classes in effective coparenting skills.
BCHD behavioral health coordinator Sandi Conley’s work in the schools has shown her how parents’ failure to put the kids’ emotional health first negatively affects children. “Elementary school-age children may act out, experience heightened frustration or lose motivation. Teens may experiment with risky behaviors, such as drugs, alcohol or sex.”
These guidelines help parents put the emotional health of their children first during divorce:
1. Do allow the child to love both parents. Van Doren says that often kids wind up in loyalty binds. “If a child goes to visit one parent and the other parent says, ‘I’ll miss you so much’ in a way that makes the child feel guilty, the child is not being allowed to love both parents.”
2. Treat your child as a child, not as an adult. Conley says, “Children are not emotionally equipped to deal with adult issues. It is not their responsibility.” This includes not discussing legal information or child support with the kids and not relying upon your child for emotional support.
3. Do not support the child’s thinking that the other parent is a bad person. “It is important to stress that these children are a part of each of you,” says Dr. Savikas. “When you talk bad about one parent you are actually talking bad about the child.” Van Doren adds that parents must be careful to keep children from overhearing when they talk negatively about the other parent to other people. It is good to say positive things about the other parent as well.
4. Do keep repeating that the divorce is not the child’s fault. Experts agree this cannot be said enough.
5. Do try to earn your child’s love and respect by setting clear boundaries, age-appropriate expectations and consequences, rather than by buying things or excusing bad behavior. Conley says, “Making excuses for children’s negative behaviors only prevents them from learning positive coping skills.”
6. Do find ways to communicate with the other parent without passing messages through the kids. Savikas and Van Doren say the kids should not be the conveyors of information. “Don’t even give them letters to give to the other parent,” says Van Doren. E-mail can be a good alternative.
